July 25, 2013

The worst part is starting, again, over, whatever. I always want it to be dramatic or meaningful. But really it just starts with a humble step in the direction you think you want to go. Where do I want to go? Forward, toward a pleasant and fulfilling future. Doesn’t everyone?

But more specifically I have trouble “achieving” anything. This actually doesn’t bother me all that much most of the time, I’m only what you might call “goal oriented” in very short bursts and specific areas. Otherwise I’m kind of an underachiever. I had a therapist once call me an “overachiever,” and I think I understood what he meant, but I temper that with “perfectionist” when I observe myself: I try to do to much, then I get burned out and do nothing because none of it was “good enough.”

I miss the record I used to keep here. I’ve always had a problem keeping track of what I’ve been up to, in part because I’m usually always up to too may things. Which makes it hard to see if I’m making any sort of progress on projects I might care about. I’ve always been very impressed by people who have clearly defined goals and plans to get there. That’s probably why I miss going to school and I like to take lessons so much: someone else to put structure where I can’t. The pitfall I observe here is that I am not good at directing myself. I recently saw the woman who taught herself to dance in a year. She mentions her goal journal, which helped her track what she’d done and plan what she needed to work on. One of my horses, Whisper, is leased by kids who participate in the United States Pony Club (USPC) and one of the things they have to do is keep records, so they can se what they’ve done and plan what they need to do to reach their goals. I take guitar lessons with a couple of friends, and I really am the weak link, because I kinda have no idea where I’m going (or where I want to go with that). The same with my singing lessons: I don’t actually want to sing for anyone, and I don’t know how to measure my progress. Biking, running and ultimate are pretty easy: I just want to be fit and faster. The horse thing is a strange mess in my head. On one hand I just want to hang out with my horse, on the other hand I want to go *do* things with my horse. But what, exactly? Where do I start, how do I get there?

So this looks back to journaling. I love buying myself a calendar in July. Maybe it’s like a “new year” a fresh start, a clean slate to start yet again on trying to figure this crazy life out. Or maybe I just like stationary too much. Anyway, I’m trying to keep track of what I’m doing and where I think I’m going. And it looks like I might try doing a summary of what I’m up to here on the blog.

What I’m reading:
Why You Should Write Things Down
16 Things I Wish They Had Taught Me in School
10 Cognitive Distortions that are Stressing You Out and Sapping Your Productivity

Here’s a picture to make things look more interesting. Nice bar chord, no?

Check out that bar chord

By levanah