the state of me; sleepy

January 23, 2009

My sleep schedule is well and truly… messed up. I slept until THREE in the afternoon today. Historically, this isn’t so odd for me, but so far this is the first real problem I’ve had with my hypersomnia in 2 years. The alarm goes off at 10 am, I hit snooze. I’m in this warm cocoon of dreams and sleep and I snooze again and again for HOURS. When I do wake up, I wake up too late to do anything outside the home, in the little winter sunlight.

I need to go outside, socialize, and exercise. I have to socialize or I drive my partner insane with neediness. I think I even drive myself insane with loneliness and neediness. I need to be validated, and I don’t believe my poor badgered spouse is truly impartial when he says I’m great (over and over, poor guy). My coworkers, for example, don’t have a vested interest in my happiness. When I get even slight positive reinforcement from them, and others who don’s see me often, it’s like sunshine for a plant.

I don’t only need the socializing to bolster my self-esteem and quiet my anxieties. I need it to think outside myself. If I spend too much time thinking about my problems, I blow them out of proportion and become dramatic. Socializing with a lot of people makes me grateful for what I have. It puts things in a real perspective. Life’s not perfect, but who wants that? Flawed and hard-won is more interesting, anyway. I have a caring husband, a warm house, sweet cats, a fine horse, fantastic friends and family. Yes everyone else has wonderful things; it’s not a competition. You just have to learn to love what you have, and who you are. Sometimes comparison is what you need to see what you *do* have, to see how people appreciate what they have, what makes them alive. It’s lovely to know that people have/had the same problems you do, and thrive, grow, love.

Sometimes the mental stimulation is too much, and overstimulation interferes with sleep. But learning from other people’s experience, sharing their triumphs and sorrows, and optimizing your coping techniques, communication skills, and just laughing together, do much to smooth anxieties and calm the mind.

What’s my cure? I know what has to be: Wake my ass up and go outside. Exercise and socialize during the day, interact with the real world. Make myself tired enough to go to bed before midnight, and fall asleep.

It’s really that easy…and that hard. So impossibly hard when I’m snuggled in the feather duvet in the shadowland of dreams with a purring kitty…

By levanah